I remember the feeling of being torn apart as a child, of knowing, yes knowing deep within that magic was real and my parents fear of my belief completely at odds with this knowing inside of me that their words, fear and anger could never shake.
I felt like an alien, born to the wrong family, a mistake had been made and as I grew older my wish and hope that I had been adopted, as these people who had so little in common with me couldn’t possibly be my real parents.
This feeling of disconnect, of not being loved unless I conformed followed me and no matter how fast I ran from it I am sad to say it eventually caught up with me and enveloped me in a fog of normalcy as the pressure to stay true to the magic I felt within corroded that intimate connection with my souls essence and blanketed my own magic. Always the ‘good girl’, the responsible oldest child and always expected to mother my brothers when my own mother wasn’t up to the task and eventually ‘mother’ her against my will, I became at least outwardly who my loved ones expected me to be.
The weight of their opinion was just too great to bear, and when I married I like most young people with unfinished business married a man who had just as many perhaps more fears than both my parents. The ‘real’ me popped her head above the fog occasionally and was immediately shut down again by the fear in my parents and spouses attitude, this went on for years.
The real me, could never be fully extinguished though, there was just too much of the imaginer in me, she could see and hear the trees as they ‘got happy’ before approaching rain, she could speak to dragons and she always knew the ‘why’ of people. Because I could always see other people’s why’s I knew when they were lying and still do, did you know most people lie to themselves way more than they lie to others?
This innate and natural ability to see others why’s I believe is what made it so easy for me to give in to conformity, as when you understand another’s why, you understand their fears and are able to forgive them. You understand they are not trying to hurt you, not really, they are just trying to make themselves feel safe, but this lead to me repressing my own magic to allow my loved ones to feel secure that they were right, and it was many years before I found the spark that lead to my release from the bonds of responsibility this ability of mine chained me with.
What was that spark? It was the realisation that by allowing them to feel safe in their cage, I was keeping them from fulfilling their true purpose, from finding their own magic and freeing themselves from the chains that bound them to ‘normalcy.’
I almost allowed myself to die before I understood this one fact that has helped shape my life from that point on. It is not my job to allow you to stay in your cage, I must at least unlock the door and open it by not agreeing with popular opinion and staying true to my own magic and not conforming.
By being me openly even if by doing so I confront your idea of normal, to provide a different point of view and to share the real reality that there are infinite possibilities available to everyone in every moment and it is their choice whether they take advantage of them. There is no ‘normal’ there is only possibility and unique variations, and scientifically speaking the universe loves to create, to change and revels and supports the magnificence of individuality.
Once I understood this, there was no going back, and I decided I was not going to die just to keep the status quo, in fact I would rather die to disrupt it.
When I tell you I nearly died keeping the status quo I mean it, as a result of being trapped by the opinions of those I felt were stronger than me, by the time I was 30 I developed dis-ease, a dis-ease known as Multiple Sclerosis and ended up in a wheelchair and a death sentence of just 5/6 years at the age of 34. Everyone who feels stuck or trapped is actually dying, one way or another, you may feel so depressed you can’t get out of bed in the mornings, or so trapped you develop pain, or so repressed you develop cancer however you manifest the dis-ease you are feeling about your life, it all amounts to the same thing.
How do I know this? Because when I developed Multiple Sclerosis and ended up in that wheelchair, the ‘normal’ thing to do would have been to believe the doctors and to keep the status quo and die on cue. But I didn’t, in fact I recovered which is so not normal, and now even my doctors are having to re-evaluate their beliefs, now you have to love that?
Let me tell you normal is an illusion, there is no normal and if someone asked you to be normal, ask them to define it, you will find they cannot. Normal is a made up state and is different to everyone, every culture , family and individual has their own standard and they are all different. Which version of normal is the right one?
If there is no normal, then what are you afraid of? Other peoples opinion? That my lovely is none of your business.
Tell me about the ways you keep the status quo in your world.
Tell me about your yearning to break free.
What chains do you loop around yourself to appear ‘normal?’
Then tell me what small step you will make today to loose those chains and to pick the lock on that cage.
[su_box title=”Mastering Chaos” box_color=”#2aaba1″]#This post is an excerpt out of the notes I am making for my book Mastering Chaos. I started writing it years ago and got stalled both by life and by a lack of motivation to continue. Now I am picking up the threads again with loads of new experiences under my belt and will share some of my notes as I write with you.[/su_box]