Magic Elixers, Death and Life!

I have had a number of request from friends who tell me they really, really want to hear more of my story… my question is will you believe it? Are you sure you want to hear my story?

The part of the story that I know most of you want hear is about the Multiple Sclerosis that put me in a wheelchair for 3 years and how I overcame it. How about I begin there and then add more in bit by bit in various posts as I feel the urge?

To understand my story you will need to begin to understand your own, and as one of my dearest friends has said to me, this is what my story is meant to do.

This part of my story is about dying – yes, really… dying!

Imagine if you will a young woman, with everything (most people would tell you) you could want in life; 3 amazingly wonderful children, a husband who while not perfect was doing his best, a home ( which had come a great cost in lifestyle) etc..

To understand where I was at the time I will fill in a little background. My husband was never a happy soul, soon after we married one of those buttons we all have was pushed by the idea that he had to change himself to fit some kind of ideal and although he never lived up to his own expectations, he never forgave himself for being so imperfect and so became more and more difficult to live with over the years.

The home we were living in when I hit the wheelchair was unfinished, but in a beautiful natural setting, and we had lived hard to get it. By hard I mean we lived with 3 children in a 16 foot caravan, on the block we were going to build on, with no amenities except two sheds one for our bathroom and one for the laundry. We often had to squish through mud to use the bathroom, toilet and laundry which often defeated the purpose of going.

We had nothing, the largest shed on the property was devoted to my exhusbands work, which only brought money in occasionally and often that money, and all the time most of it, was allocated to buying in more work. I not only raised my children in these circumstances (it was not the first time, I had also lived on a gold mine deep in the Australian bush with no running water and no electricity while pregnant with my second baby)… he did love to do things the hard way.

So we finally built our home and WE built it, I personally nailed in over 600 nails, painted it and tiled it myself along with looking after the children, and helping to run his home business – I brought in most of the customers. During this time, I noticed my feet becoming too heavy to lift, it was becoming increasingly difficult to focus my eyes, there were strange tremors in my muscles, and extreme tiredness that made me think I could lay down and just die.

Just before our home was at the stage where we could move in I became very ill, imagine waking in the very early hours of the morning with pain so bad I could barely breath, to my shock and horror I could hardly move! Inch by inch I moved a very unwilling arm over to lightly touch my husband back and between concentrating on breathing spoke his name. He awoke and turned to look at me and I said, “Help me! I can’t breathe or move..” He ran down to the shed and rang an ambulance.

The ambulance came and one of the men had to personally put me on his back, piggy-back style to walk me out of our very steep muddy driveway, I was mortified, and heard him say that nobody should live like this. I was in hospital for ten days before they let me go. I had a battery of tests – all negative including CAT scans, spinal taps x 2, blood tests etc.. It took a few days before I could even walk again with my hand against the walls, but I did it, slowly but surely willing my body to obey me so I could get home to my children.

I did it, and when I got home the bills that had arrived whle I was in hospital where all piled on the dining room table waiting for me to pay them – that was my job and obviously not being able to walk was not going to make a difference. This I am sure was the beginning of the end of my marraige, it took a lot longer for me to make that decision, but I can remember this moment of coming home like it was yesterday and the honest hurt I felt at realising that while I had been so afraid I was going to die, my husband had not even thought to spare me this task.

It took months before I was diagnosed with M.S. and during this time I became more and more ill, and ended up firstly on crutches and then in a wheelchair, whild the doctors did tests, claimed I was lazy, that I was mentally ill, and that I needed to “go home a look after my children.” That first episode was repeated over and over again about every 4 to six weeks.. days of pain, CNS shutdown (this is when the Central Nervous System shuts down making it difficult or impossible to breathe on your own or move) and slow recovery over 2 or 3 weeks only to be hit again. It took so long to diagnose as MS is not usually associated with pain and mine was.. horrendous, agonising and unthinkable pain.

Two doctors even had a fight over me, lucky for me the one who believed me was a Professor commonly known as ‘God’ on the ward where I was staying about 8 months after my first episode and the specialist who had decided I was a malingerer was given the short end of his temper when the blood tests taken during the first 24 hours of an episode (Prof was the only one who thought to do this) proved I was in as much pain as someone with end stage cancer!

I was finally diagnosed with MS and my ex husband always seesawed between believing I was as ill as I was and believing it was laziness, but that only proved his problems, not mine. He did not cope well at all with my illness, I knew why, but it didn’t make it any easier and it did cause more and more problems between us that finally resulted in my leaving him, just as I was becoming well again. Why?

Because what I learned about living my life came directly from the experience of dying. Yes, my specialist neurologist who finally daignosed the MS, also told me on that day that I would be lucky to live another 5 years, and if I was really lucky I might live 10, but he didn’t think so and I would not only be confined to a wheelchair, I would end up not being able to do anything for myself before end stage pneumonia took my life.

I drove home from that appointment, **yes I was still driving occasionally, and almost right then and there took my own life with thoughts that my family would be better off without having to be put through years of torture of my decline into death. There was a winding road over a high hill called the Devil’s Elbow on the way home and I debated allowing my car to just.. fall off the edge into the ravine and I have to say, I came close, really close. But a voice whispered in my ear.. “no”

**MS is a funny disease, you can be dying of it and still at odd occasions you wake up in the middle of the night quite well, or come good in the middle of the day, it can be very confusing especially in the early stages before the nerve damage is too extensive one moment you can be and look well and the next you’re a cripple again. Of course I was also feeling sorry for myself during this time, and finding out that my husband of 17 years couldn’t cope with illness and was becoming abusive as he wallowed in his own fear and anger over what was happening made the fact that everyone around me stopped coming to see me, except for my mum, even worse. My children were having nightmares about me dying and I found out that I didn’t really have any real friends. Life was crap!

Everyone knew I was dying, and wanted to help me make plans for my children etc.. everyone knew that the childrens father would not cope with my death and everyone was asking if they could bring them up. By this time I was spending a lot of time in a wheelchair, had little or no bladder control and suffered every day with pain (mostly the headache attacks), tremors, feeling chilled even in warm weather and numbness.  It was after one of these session with a relative that I got angry, and anger is a great place to find energy!

The energy to get mad that this was happening, the energy to suddenly realise that the time I had available to ‘cure’ this dis-ease was coming to an end and the energy to be motivated to find out what could be done. By dawn I had made a decision, “I would LIVE.” I mean live, not just exist, not just go through the motions, my decision was to live life. This is a big decision as ‘living’ meant changing almost everything about my life as it was. I had to live for me, stop trying to be someone I was not because of others expectations and make my own decisions about who I was, what I wanted and where I was going. A huge undertaking!

So my search began, and the universe responded to my vow, “From this day forward, I promise to LIVE, not to just exist or survive but to live!” People were sent to me, other people began to make plans to take me to people they thought might help, and some of them did and some of them did not.  My mum never stopped trying, stepping out of her comfort zones time and again to help me. Ultimately though I ended up with a small team of people who helped me to change my life. Including doctors who also did health medicine, massage therapists who also did healing and intutitive readings, meta-physicians etc…

What I learned is vital to anyone who is suffering an illness, any illness. I learned that the reason I was ill, was because I was not fulfilling my potential, my purpose and not engaging my magic with the magic of the universe. I was living according to others expectations of me and of who I was and who they needed me to be and this included society itself, rather than living MY LIFE! Does this sound familiar?

It took time and I supported my body as I supported my emotional, mental and spiritual growth, but most of all I began to remember.. Remember who I was, remember the little girl who at 5 years of age KNEW she was here to do magic! I began for the first time in my whole life to LIVE.

This meant a LOT of changes, because to be true to myself I had to disappoint others and this was hard! I had to find the courage to do things, step outside the square and to move forward even when it was hard.. but… LOOK AT ME NOW!

Please believe me when I tell you there is no magic elixer that will put you on the road to health, I took a long time to get to here from there but it is worth it! The magic elixer you have been looking for is within you and has been there the whole time!

I no longer need a wheelchair! I now run my own business and collaborate with other businesses, I have my family, I have danced at my children’s weddings, Yes DANCED! I now live a full life, yes occasionally I still get a little tired but don’t we all? My doctor calls me his ‘miracle lady’, and I used to give talks to MS groups, I stopped that and even stopped talking about my story as most people wanted that magic elixer and I can’t give it to you, only you can do that

So take heart from my story, which I am telling only so you now know that you can heal, there is hope as long as you have the courage to take the steps needed to live YOUR life YOUR way. The universe will support you all the way, this I know first hand. This does not mean there will not be good days and not so good days, it does not mean that everything will go perfectly from this day forward. BUT, it does mean that you will be supported, loved and be able to focus on the good and move forward every day. After all that’s why I had MS, I was not moving forward so my body followed suit.

The lessons I have to give you are these:

1. Life is what you make it! Your life is your creation, I could bamboozle you with the science (easier to read some earlier posts ) one way to connect with living your life your way, is to imagine you are dying and create a Bucket List. If you’re not being the person you have to be to live that bucket list, it’s time to rethink how you are living your life.
2. Follow your joy! Living up to others expections involves one of my most detested words ‘Duty’, I love to give of myself, but if I resent having to do it, nowdays I don’t do it. When you are making those daily decisions about your day, your time and your life – only do what brings you joy!
3. Give to yourself daily! Imagine you are a water jug and like most of us are pouring out your time and energy (water) all day long, every day very soon that water jug is empty and that’s how many of us try to live. You need to fill yourself up FIRST in order to be able to continue giving of your best. Do something every day that’s just for you, that makes you smile, brings you joy and rejuvinates your soul in some way.
4. Learn to love change! Because it will continue to happen, all the days of your life. Learn to flow, and enjoy the adventure of life, there will be ups and downs, so get used to it.

- follow YOUR joy and use it as your compass, if you’re not having fun, change direction sometimes a lot, sometimes just a slight course correction, just keep moving forward!

By the Way the pic of me above was taken just last week as I presented a workshop on Social Media in Brisbane

inJOY and inLOVE

© 2010, AnnieInfinite. All rights reserved.